by day 4 i’d given 41 compliments to strangers, and i’d noticed something.

the ones that worked well and made people smile and talk were never about anyone’s face.

this week the skill was giving compliments. real ones, out loud, to real people. i gave 62 in seven days.

somewhere in the middle i started seeing a pattern, and it might be one of the most useful thing i’ve learned all year.

there are 3 layers to a compliment. they are not equal.

layer one is the body. the eyes, the height, the stuff someone was born with and can’t change. it’s the first thing your brain reaches for and the weakest thing you can say.

they didn’t earn it. they’ve heard it a hundred times. polite thanks, nothing else, conversation over.

layer 2 is the choices. the jacket they actually picked. the way they let the quiet person finish before jumping in. the effort you can see if you’re looking.

this one’s better, because they chose it, so noticing it means you’re paying attention to them and not just their packaging. these got real smiles.

layer 3 is the decisions. the big ones. the thing they built, the path they took, the hard call they made, who they decided to become.

i told one man that leaving a steady high paying job and still being an entrepreneur after 5 years later, earning less, was real dedication to a valuable mission. He felt seen in his struggles but also purpose.

these are the ones people carry for years, because you’re not describing their surface. you’re describing them.

here’s the issue. almost nobody leaves layer one. because layer one is fast and safe and asks nothing of you.

going deeper means actually looking. we treat that like a risk. it isn’t.

the research on this is almost funny. people who give compliments overestimate how awkward it’ll feel, every single time. (boothby and bohns: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167220949003)

I also ran a live session this week,” compliment corner”, where people came to give and receive them out loud. the giving wasn’t the hard part. the receiving was. but that’s a whole other letter.

so the move is small. next time you catch yourself about to say “nice shirt”, just do it! Make the people 1% happier.

Even better: stop and ask what it says about the person who chose it. go one layer down. And then say it. that’s a powerful skill.

the best compliment is about who they decided to become in my opinion

hit reply and tell me the best compliment you’ve ever gotten, the one that stuck for years. i’d bet money it was layer 3. i read every reply.

short video update: